History of numbernine’s facial hair

Before I was 17, I was under orders from my mother not to cut it. I started growing this ridiculous moustache which made me look ugly. She was so adamant that she was right that I got severely berated for trying to cut it. I was made to pull out my beard with a pair of tweezers. (I never used it on my upper lip - too painful). The impression was that if you shaved yourself, then your hair became thicker. First, later on I learnt that it was bull. Second, I got more problems trying to pluck my hair out with tweezers than by shaving. Last of all, I learnt not to trust women when it comes to knowing anything about facial hair.

I finally got my own shaver not long after. It was a small Braun shaver. My father liked Braun shavers, and he always used electric shavers. He didn’t use a razor because he always cut himself.

While in the army, I used the Braun. There was this sergeant, he didn’t really like me, so during morning inspections, he always used the excuse that I had stubble to pump me. I know there’s always a bit of bad blood between the farmers and the geeks. My revenge is to never ever not be a geek, because I know the mere fact of my existence makes them pissed off - but that’s another story for another time. It’s true, though, that electric shavers are not that clean.

I went to college, and when I shaved, I didn’t go out for 1 hour. I used to have cuts all the time. I started using the razor. I used the old Gillette models because the Gillette III was so expensive to be a rip off. I used the Gillette III once - it is a great product, because I never get cut while using it, but it’s still too bloody expensive. I also used shaving foam, because it was the cool thing to do.

I bought some shaving balm - I needed it. So it was - shave, slather on some shaving balm, get into my bath tub and study some more, then 15 minutes later, wash away those bloody red patches. It was gross.

I experimented here and there. I found out a few things, that shaving tends to be easier when you haven’t shaven for 3-4 days, when your skin isn’t dry and scaly, when you didn’t cut yourself the previous day, when you are using shaving cream.

One day, I made the biggest breakthrough - the secret formula (which wouldn’t be a secret if I had bothered to ask somebody who knows how to use a razor). Wet the skin first before you put on the shaving foam. After that secret, it was so much easier. I’m still guaranteed to cut myself after using the razor, but not as badly as before.

What do I apply to my face after a shave? I used to use shaving lotion or shaving gel. That was OK. I bought a small bottle of aftershave, but there’s too much alcohol in that, an it dehydrates my face, making it difficult for me the next time around, so that’s bad. Shaving lotion works best for me.

I don’t have steady hands. I need all the help I can get. I’m pretty hairy for a Chinese. My father is one of the hairiest Chinese guys that I’ve ever seen and he shaves just about every day. He has chest hair, something I don’t even have. I used to ask my grandmother if she had an affair with an Indian. Myself I’m quite hairy too, so I have to shave myself every day. But I’m a little lax, so I make it every other working day, and no shaving on the weekends. The last thing that makes shaving difficult for me is that I have a sharp chin, so it’s difficult to get at all the angular bits without more blood. Yes, shaving’s quite a bit of a drag.

There was once when I fractured my right hand, and had to go through life doing everything with my left. Shaving became a big problem. The few times I had to shave were a total disaster, and it looked like a horror film after I finished.

I also use my electric shaver, because if I don’t do that my face will get razor fatigue. It used to be very difficult to get a clean shave from my electric shaver, so I found out that wetting my face did the trick. I didn’t have to worry about water getting into the electric shaver, it was meant to be water proof to a certain extent. First time I wet my face and shaved with the electric, though I had a nasty experience. I allowed the stubble to build up in the shaver before I cleaned it out. But the first time I cleaned it out, there were lice all over the stubble that was inside the electric, so it was gross. So I have to clean out the shaver every time I use it. No big deal, that.

I have used the same electric shaver for more than 10 years now and I should change to a new one, but I think this one still has a few more good years in it.

The last thing to learn was this: I always wondered why I cut myself more with the razor in temperate countries than in Singapore. Finally I found out: when you are shaving, always shave with warm water.

So my father still doesn’t know how to use a razor, but I do. Yay!

OK, to sum up, this is how to shave.

Step 1: Clean your face.
Step 2: If your face is not wet, wet it. Of course, just wet the part you have to shave, unless you enjoy being wet. But only girls enjoy being wet. Use warm water.
Step 3: Put on the shaving cream / foam.
Step 4: Shave. Use a razor with a pivoting razor head for ease of use. Shave in any direction you want, although some people feel that shaving against the direction of your hairs is wrong. Use a clean motion with every stroke. Always shave in a direction perpendicular to the blade, never parallel. Do not press too hard on your face, but emphasise the sideways motion.
Step 5: Put some after shave lotion on your face, and wash it 5 minutes later.