No cigar

I topped my class once. It was when they put together in a class people they considered to be smart. They had surprisingly egalitarian ideals for that part of the class, and you never had your class ranking written down in your report books. And maybe it wouldn't count.

It came as quite a surprise to me: I didn't aim for it. I knew I was doing well, but it was more or less that I knew what I was doing. So my form teacher told this to us, and added (something that makes me resentful till today) that I didn't quite deserve it. But in a way she was right, because there were people (4, I think) in the other classes who did better than me. Probably also had something to do with me being the class clown. I wonder if people knew that Iggy Pop was first in his class in high school, but I digress.

Funny thing was, since it was official policy that class ranking didn't matter, nobody in my family ever did anything to celebrate my being first in class. I topped my class again the next year, again, not really, because the guy who was ahead of me decided to migrate overseas. Again no celebration.

It never happened again. And thereafter teachers would look at me, go tut tut, and describe me as "the one that got away".

In the meantime, there would be a maths quiz. Now this was at a real junior level, so people aren't trying too hard for it. Plus we had the star player on our team who could well have won the thing on his own. To cut a long story short, we won, but right after that there was an incident that happened to me that was so unpleasant that I can remember it even today, which totally made me wish I hadn't won it.

In sec school, we had an essay writing competition, and I put something together hastily. It won first prize. I wasn't there when they announced it, and never got to collect it in front of the rest. I've had other stuff in other competitions which I put in more effort for and they never won anything, so I think luck has to do with it. But as luck would have it, I wasn't there to receive the prize.

It was funny, we were in basic military training, when we got called back to receive our "A" level results. Still remember it today: the old 4A2D, an unexpected 1 for Chinese (don't know what drugs the examiner was on), and a 3 for GP, something I have since strived to correct by taking up artsy courses in college. Not much celebration, either. I suppose hundreds of others got something equally good. Overwhelmingly it was a sense of relief, rather than joy.

Participated in a Maths competition during my first year in college. Surprisingly won a prize (I think they gave out 6 prizes). I missed the prize giving ceremony when I overslept on a nap, so never got to collect it. Picked up the check a few days later, but no kick.

Later that year, entered a play-writing competition. Wrote something that I thought was one of the best things I had ever written, so I thought I might have a chance at winning something. I showed it to a friend, and he laughed at it, saying it was pretty incoherent. So when I received a letter saying, "congratulations! Pls come to our prize giving ceremony..." I thought, why the hell should I go there and watch somebody else get the prize?

I only found out that I won 2nd prize by reading about it in the papers. Again, hurried down to collect my check but no kick.

So if you guys out there wonder why I don't really give a fuck about doing well, succeeding in life, wonder no more.