Anger management

Another long long distance chat with my sister. My sister is infamous for having an explosive temper. My mother commented that we are very scary when we fought each other. We came to blows quite often. Yes, I used to hit her, but I never used maximum force. And my sister – what she lacked in size she would make up for in ferocity.

A lot of top athletes used to have asthma when they were younger. My sister also had asthma when young, and even though she’s not an athlete that put the fighting spirit in her. (Actually in the 1 or 2 years before her back operation made various forms of physical activity impossible for her she went on some trips with her primary school to play some friendlies with Malaysians. I think that if not for her back operation she would have been some form of athlete later on in life.)

So we threw punches at each other. We fought, like they say, like brothers. There were shouting matches. Somebody commented that I had the uncanny ability to calculate the most offensive things to say at various times. I had plenty of practice with my sister. In turn she would beat the crap out of me.

I remember once learning the meaning of the word “cynic”. Then I called her a cynical person. She beat the crap out of me. Then I asked her if she knew the meaning of the word “cynical”. She said no. I said, haha you get angry for what you’re such an idiot. Then she beat the crap out of me again. There was another fight after I learnt the meaning of the word “lesbian”.

Some encounters I have had with some of my more grumpy friends remind me of how I used to deal with my sister. The way I meet their aggression with icy scorn and contempt, those are patterns established long ago.

So in that phone call she finally admitted that she was bad at anger management, and quite a few unpleasant incidents in the states (including one episode where she went berserk and slashed at herself with a chopper, requiring a visit to the A+E) came about because of bad anger management. She was lamenting that she never learnt to control her temper properly – this is a rare admission, because one of the big rows I had with her recently came about when I suggested she had bad luck with guys because of her temper.

But some events that took place over the holidays also led me to realise that I have a bad temper too. I don’t lash out at people like other people who are more obviously bad tempered. I wind them up bit by bit and hope that they explode. But this is also another form of aggression, something that I’ve had to curb.

It was often easier to overlook my own bad temper. I could never compare with my sister in this regard. Also the earlier part of my life was really easy going for me so there was never that much to get angry about, unlike now. My tendency to wind people up is quite dangerous. Even if you explode at people you aren’t necessarily going to make him an enemy. He might figure out that you care about him enough to get angry with him. But if you do what I do, and poke and prod him until he blows up, there’s something more evil about that. Subjecting a person to humiliation is more likely to make him an enemy.

My extended family (both sides) have always visited each other for Chinese New Year. They are close – especially my father’s side who went through all that shit you read about over there. So I feel a little guilty about jeopardising this wonderful arrangement. The uncle I was winding up has an attitude problem but it wasn’t completely right for me because he’s usually always been a very generous guy. But I also didn’t think that he should carry on having an attitude problem. I was deeply conflicted. Suddenly, at the next gathering, we both acted as though nothing had happened. I guess the incident is over.

Yes, I think that maybe my mother should have taught us a little more about controlling our tempers, except that she’s probably as bad as the both of us and frankly she has nothing to teach us when she couldn’t even solve her own problems with her mother in law. A lot of the people in my household are prone to explosive rages*. But it is not a bad thing. Sometimes a bit of a temper is evidence of some drive in your personality.

After listening to her gripe about how she wasn't taught to control her rages, I suddenly realised that controlling your anger is probably one of the most important aspects of having a good EQ. EQ and anger management are so crucial. When somebody slips up, it is so important to not make them feel bad about it unnecessarily. There's no need to be so impatient if a friend doesn't get in tune with what you're thinking. You can also bridge the gap. When somebody says something it is a crucial split second decision to take it the right or wrong way. These small things add up to your EQ.

* All the screaming at each other that goes on in kampong cultures rather easily translates into a HDB / condo environment. When you want somebody to answer the phone, why do you walk across the flat when you can scream at him without leaving the phone? When it is dinner time, why do you go from room to room to tell it when you can scream it out from the kitchen? Why talk softly when you can yell it all out? I actually like it better this way, instead of when you have to tread carefully around other people. 2 people in my family are hard of hearing and you just have to talk loudly to them so that they get it. There's nothing personal I guess.