Some people told me about their worst trait. For some, it's vanity. For others, it's pride. Mine is spite.
- Once on an outing somebody pissed me off, maybe I did or did not have a good reason to get angry. At the end of the day, I bought myself a present and told him that it was my birthday (which is true). He was a little taken aback, and asked me, "why didn't you tell me earlier? We could have celebrated." I told him, "you pissed me off just now."
It was winter, which is to say, my birthday is in winter, which suits me fine. I'm a little cold like that.
- Sometimes when I'm upset at someone, I might take pains to be nice to everybody except him. But I've stopped doing this because I'm not good at withdrawing from this position. Once you've started being nasty to a person it's really not easy to stop, even if you want to. I think this should be the most important reason why you'd want to get along with people. War is like fire: you can start it, but you won't necessarily be able to put it out.
- Somebody once cheated me of something, and I waited until she was upset at something else and feeling vulnerable before I yelled in her face for 5 minutes. I can only plead that I was really really upset at her to want to plan things out this way.
- Somebody once hounded me over the internet. First I made it hard for him to back out by taunting him back (ie he had to keep on hounding me or else he'd lose face). Later on I found out who he was and gave him hell. I've stopped for now but I had an inkling that I could start again.
- I had a form teacher who once was berating the class for not being interested in Literature. Then she called me one of "those" Maths guys. I was a bit pissed off: later on I entered a play in a competition and she only found out about it when it was about to be staged. Of course that's not the main reason why I wrote a play: I did it because the idea was there to be written. But I admit I enjoyed the satisfaction of not telling her anything about it.
If you are a sadist, you will understand this: pain is physical, but suffering is psychological. And the worst suffering is the sort where you don't really know when (or even whether) it's going to stop.
When something irks me and I decide not to act out at it, I don't always know whether I've conquered my anger or whether I've deferred it so that it snowballs into something larger.
NB: for those of you wondering why I wrote this entry, I just said something spiteful to someone and I wish I didn't do it. I'm just reminding myself not to be so quick to anger...
2 comments:
It takes 2 hands to clap. Meaning blame is never the result of one person's actions.
Before you blame someone else, ask yourself, "Should you shelter part of the blame too?"
And then maybe, just maybe, you will feel alot less bitter abt the whole thing.
Cheers! ^_^
Hi,
Congratulations! you are the author of the first post on this blog. Just realised that this blog doesn't allow anonymous comments, I'll go and fix it.
I think this entry was about blaming myself for the spite. I tend to be alarmed at some of the things that I do. But you're probably asking me if I should take some of the blame for the first transgression. I would agree in some of the instances that I am to blame but not all of them.
I used to not hit back but it didn't work. I'm one of those people born with a "hit me" sign on my face. It's not good to be too nice. The balance between firmly drawing the line, and not being nasty, is actually quite difficult.
Shouldering some of the blame doesn't make me less angry. I actually don't get that upset if somebody else is at fault. But it's more upsetting when I've done wrong. It's easier for me to forgive other people than to forgive myself.
Post a Comment